EXCLUSIVE: Minneapolis + St. Paul Unite With A Joint Bid For Amazon HQ2 In Minnesota

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By Banrep Rearden

In a rare display of camaraderie between the Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul, a joint bid has been drafted and sent to Amazon in appeal for their next headquarters to land here in Minnesota.

The development is fresh off a meeting of the minds that began yesterday afternoon and lasted into the early hours of Friday morning, according to multiple very authoritative sources.

One official, who spoke on condition anonymity for fear of eternal banishment from There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota, says Five Star Economic Czar M. Langlaard III held an emergency meeting yesterday immediately following news that Amazon would begin accepting offers from regions around the country in consideration for their second major US headquarters. It’s an estimated $5 billion dollar project which could employ up to 50,000 robots one day.

“He [Langlaard III] instinctively sensed this one was going to be different,” the source leads with, pointing to various public-private coups from around the state with relative ease.

“…but what do you offer a company like Amazon that doesn’t even need your money?”

“He just knew right away it that would take two to tango,” the source says when describing how Langlaard III went on to rally both sides of the state’s elite, knowing that neither one of Minnesota’s sister cities could conceive such a plan on their own.

“It’s really his magnum opus moment,” the anonymous authoritative source sums up. “Given Langlaard III’s history of making millions for brokering special deals between the private sector and government bureaucrats in the name of jobs, he could just retire after this one.”

And with that, Langlaard III’s first executive decision was a bold one: calling out a code red to all members from There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota.

Neutrality was the first priority so they could gather somewhere with guards down; privacy also a factor, since meetings involving the constituents interest and their money shouldn’t be held in public.  With that, he diplomatically extended an evenhanded invitation as they would march in step to the banks of the Mississippi River. It was around 1am Friday morning, says the authoritative source, who was just following orders.

A jogger captures what appears to be members of There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota on a raft in the wee hours of Friday morning near Lake Street Bridge.

“The next thing I knew we were paddling out into the middle of the river on this rickety raft,” as he recalls the following:

“Some flew in by helicopter from their cabin compounds, others came upstream in submarines to the north by way of Florida. In all these decades of pulling strings behind the scenes, I’ve never seen There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota get it together so swiftly.

And there he stood among us all, the Five Star Czar Economic Czar was mute and pensive, glowing under the ripple of moonlight.

With arms flung wide open, he then signaled out to the left into the skyline of Minneapolis without saying as much as word.

He swung to the right, gesturing in the direction of St. Paul as we silently peered into the soul of the Great State.

As his hands drew together in thunderous clap, we bowed in submission to our benevolent Five Star Economic Czar and prayed to the gods of jobs and innovation.  We sought omen through synchronous chant with our own hands now linked together in one big buddy system. Time stopped as the buzz of mosquitoes filled our heads and gnawed on our flesh. After three hours of trance, we would pass out from pure exhaustion, no longer able to see with eyes or speak from mouth.

A sudden flash of lightning occurred as we regained collective consciousness some time later, reborn as one.  The soft and comforting voice of Five Star Economic Czar Langlaard III came through with pure enlightenment.”

“Right here…” he whispered with a pause.

“Right here on this very raft buoyed by the mighty Mississippi River,” his voice rising like the tide, hands lifted.   “…this is where Amazon will build and no-one on this raft will pay a thing for it because There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota,” he declared over the primal hoots and howls of members.

“Those here will benefit immensely from it for generations to come…” he trailed off in grin.

And that, says this anonymous authoritative source from inside There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota, is what it took for Minneapolis and St. Paul to bend over together for Amazon with a vision of bringing HQ2 to the Mississippi River, equally divided between two cities united together as one under the stars.

Yet the specific plan how that would even be logistically feasible remains quite unclear at this time, and the details will likely not be disclosed with the public for their own protection and/or competitive reasons. Another very official sounding source with ties to There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota has corroborated the rendezvous and shared a rare glimpse into text from the proposal, being hand delivered by Langlaard III:

“Minnesota will not be left behind in this sprint to the bottom as city states across the Nation compete to see who can give Amazon the most of whatever it is they even want.   Let the mainstream media hype all possible theoretical what if that then this could be maybe who knows because we don’t speculation.

Here at There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota we understand that this situation goes beyond the money. It’s about power, persuasion, control, and most of all — a future whereby all business transactions concerning jobs and innovation will warrant the tacit approval of Five Star Economic Czar’s from across the land for consideration of special privileges reserved only for the allies of inequality.

Rest assured Amazon, you are our ally and we will give you anything and everything you ask for, just name it.  With that, I hereby cordially invite The Mr. Bezos to visit us in Minnesota where we can perch on our raft together and imagine your future here, flowing down Mississippi River for miles.”

**The Five Star Economic Czar’s office did not respond to specific requests for comments around these developments, instead pointed the public to a new promotional video released by There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota.

Comments

  • Josiah Gulden

    If this is an attempt at humor, the writer (nice pseudonym btw, very courageous) should strongly consider a different line of work. Two thumbs way, way down.

    • DISQUS-981741308

      THREE THUMBS SUPER DOWN

    • Teke O’Reilly

      This piece is so awful and unfunny, it could insure that Amazon picks another city. Yikes, that is just plain embarrassing to read.

      • DISQUS-981741308

        INSURE IT

  • Nathan Perrier

    For the love of God: NO Amazon HQ in the Twin Cities!

    • Josiah Gulden

      Why? A larger Amazon hub here would be the best thing that’s happened to the tech community and startup ecosystem since the Control Data days. Unquestionably huge boon to regional talent acquisition, job liquidity, comp cushion, etc. What’s the kneejerk aversion?

      • DISQUS-981741308

        PREACH

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