EXCLUSIVE: Q&A w/ Five Star Economic Czar M Langlaard III In A Bid To Build Amazon HQ2 On The Mississippi River

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By Banrep Rearden

Last week, Amazon announced their intention to open a second major US headquarters (HQ2) somewhere in the country, invoking some good ol’ fashioned Minnesota bribery. 

The void of any specifics since then surrounding who was there or what exactly was offered to Amazon by There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota has sent much of local media into a frenzy of useless speculation to create the illusion of journalism.

We do know State Five Star Economic Czar M Langlaard III organized an emergency meeting with There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota overnight, drafting and delivering an offer to Amazon by the next morning — based on some very authoritative sources.

The bid involved a new level of unity between Minneapolis and St. Paul, an offer to build HQ2 on the Mississippi River, equally benefiting both sides of the metro and creating a ceasefire of economic warfare.

Following the leak, Five Star Economic Czar M Langlaard III reached out to clarify and expand on the situation in this unedited Q&A:

Czar: First off, before we begin, I just want to say one thing

Rearden: Go on…

Czar: Jobs!

Rearden: all right, let’s get into…

Czar: Innovation!

Rearden: That’s two, can we start now?

Czar: You may proceed

Rearden: Thank you Mr. Langlaard

Czar: Please, call me Five Star Economic Czar

Rearden: What was going through your mind when you heard that Amazon was seeking RFP from cities across the US for a second major headquarters?

Czar: Cha-ching!

Rearden: What???

Czar: Money…retirement…a yacht…listen, I’m always looking out for those companies that can’t do it on their own, you know what I mean?  If you need a handout or even just a little crutch, call me for your slice of corporate welfare…that’s what I do and why I make the big bucks brokering deals with the government. Cha-ching! Do you get it now!?

Rearden: Well it was said that you held an emergency meeting that evening on the Mississippi River?

Czar: Was it said?

Rearden: Yes, it was and confirmed by multiple sources.

Czar: Do you know what happens when mole and a rat start hanging out?

Rearden: I don’t follow

Czar: Next thing you know you’ve got little molerat’s running around town.

Rearden: Well then, moving on, how on earth do you propose that Amazon’s next headquarters could even be built on the Mississippi river, split between Minneapolis and St. Paul?

Czar: Well, if that was in fact the proposal that I hand delivered to Mr. Bezos on Saturday morning Sept the 9th at 5:47am, which I’m not saying it is, because he didn’t answer the door in his pajamas and call security….for the record.

Hypothetically speaking though, the first thing to do is dredge the river starting north of Minneapolis…

Rearden: Wait, what?

Czar: Just think about all those jobs buried under there over the years and the smell of sweet innovation that will bubble up…Guess what!? Thing is, there’s no jobs in the river right now…and when was the last time water innovated?

Rearden: What can you tell us about There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota?

Czar: There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota?

Rearden: If Amazon did build it in Minnesota, what impact could that on the already tight tech labor market across the cities to add tens of thousands in demand at one company over the coming years?

Czar: You don’t have a degree in economics do you!?

Rearden: just a functioning brain.

Czar: Well I don’t have one either, but when I was chosen to lead There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota, they didn’t ask me such nonsense and neither does the business media. So you’ll have to give me a minute to think about this because I’m feeling very……oh….it hurts…..hang on….

Rearden: Yes, of course, take your time.

Czar: OK, I’m back. Well, it could possibly most definitely make life wee bit way harder for some every entrepreneur and tech CEO out there already trying to attract and retain people to grow their companies without welfare…not to mention a sharp increase in wages across the board…

Rearden: Do you think it’s appropriate and respectful to the hundreds of tech entrepreneurs and CEOs across Minnesota to blatantly try and bribe any company to come here with that in mind?

Czar:…(blank stare)

Rearden: Did you think ahead about any of unintended consequences? I mean, what about Amazon’s major competitors here like Target and Best Buy that started and stayed in Minnesota for decades…

Czar: (smiling silently while staring off into window)

Rearden: Is something funny?

Czar: Sorry, I was just thinking about that commission check.

Rearden: OK, how about the question?

Czar: What question? Oh yeah, well part of our offer may and definitely did include full rights to the University of Minnesota, renamed as The University of Amazon. Don’t worry, I thought ahead!

Rearden: Well that’s news to me…but what will it mean for so many startups here, and the big guns like Target & Best Buy?

Czar: short!

Rearden: Why do you think Minnesota’s appeal can’t just stand on it’s own?  Let the strengths of our state speak for itself without trying to bribe companies to do things with the taxpayers money that otherwise could be reinvested locally into the basic pressing needs of the Minnesotan’s and their children?

Czar: Then There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota would not be There Is No Crony Capital Club of Minnesota now would it?

Rearden: Did you consult with anyone outside before making these offers to Amazon?

Czar: I called my banker right away, great guy, very smart, he’s the best.

Rearden: Are you serious right now?

Czar: You know I’ve always wanted to upgrade…which one you like more?

Rearden: No preference, sir, but is there anything else you’d like to say?

Czar: Just a reminder that the people can’t fire me because the people never hired me…

Comments

  • Josiah Gulden

    you know, it’s really sad to see what has always been a valuable community resource and credible journalistic outlet turned into a political dumpster fire and bully pulpit for some libertarian ideologue who isn’t even willing to use their real name. the About section on this site states:

    “Success is measured to the degree by which we (a) increase awareness and visibility about what’s happening in Minnesota’s tech startup community, (b) foster efficient & quality relationships amongst like-minded individuals, and (c) deliver actionable data, insights and intelligence designed to arm the entrepreneur and decision maker alike.”

    I really don’t know how this kind of cynical tripe is supposed to serve those ends.

    • http://tech.mn Jeff Pesek

      Cheer up Josiah, it’s only satire and if it makes you all serious and sad, here is a picture of some puppies: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a314380d139c143647e959d6df42a549de4cac8b48599828fa43ed7aacba9ec6.png

      It seems like your opinion – which is always welcome and thank you for not being mn nice about it – suffers from selection bias. Are you aware of the other 99% that we publish and perpetuate?

      We have thousands of pages full of positive developments pertaining to Minnesota’s technology industry and the entrepreneurs here. More than anyone anywhere in the world, yet you seem pretty quiet about all that, or am I missing something?

      Based on your limited and negative comment history here your ignorance to the big picture is what’s sad!

      • http://www.thecontributor.com Teke

        I don’t know what’s worse, the weird, terrible satire, or the juvenile snarky puppy defense. I guess it’s all part of the same continuum towards irrelevance.

        • a_casual_observer

          if its irrelevant why are you reading and reacting? in the media world that’s the definition of relevancy for good or for bad.

  • Jim Girard

    In Minnesota, though, the prospect of major tax breaks has already
    earned plenty of criticism from people who liken incentives to corporate
    welfare, spending state dollars to attract wealthy corporations that
    can afford to pay their own way, with money that could be better spent
    elsewhere. http://tcbmag.com/news/articles/2017/september/why-mark-dayton-is-so-cautious-about-pitching-amaz

  • Jim Girard

    Would turning the Twin Cities into a second Amazon company town be good
    for the region, when Amazon’s growth could come at the expense of a
    group of diversified and homegrown employers? http://www.startribune.com/could-amazon-steal-the-twin-cities-top-talent/446912753/

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